8:55 p.m. - Outside the Grand Hyatt Washington, the thick humid air smells faintly of cologne and teen spirit.

This can mean only one thing:

It’s prom night.

Ballou’s theme is “Hollywood Nights” and it sure feels like it--

A steady line of cars starts pulling in front of the hotel. A haphazard gaggle of amateur paparazzi (friends and family) crowd around, hoping to catch the first glimpse of tonight’s “stars”. All that’s missing are commentators from E!

Further afield, curious hotel guests, foreign tourists, and passersby crane their necks at the commotion.

They are richly rewarded.

Each car reveals a cloud of lace, satin, chiffon, gold, silver, and sequins.

The crowd sends a scream every time a dapper young man steps out to open the door for his lady.

iPhone flashes abound.

8:57

A stunning young woman is wearing what seems to be a mashup of Little Mermaid and Rihanna. Strategically placed sequins on top burst into a prismatic tulle “tail” in vibrant shades of pink, blue, and violet.

Strategically placed paparazzi catch every angle of her dress.

She swishes and sashays into hotel’s revolving door, sending colors spinning like cotton candy on a hot summer’s night.

9:03

A low hum is heard in the streets of DC. It becomes a grumble, then a full-fledged roar.

The entourage has arrived.

100 motorcycles zoom onto H street NW, accompanying a party bus that manages to look both sleek and imposing—all black metal and shiny simplicity, like an airport shuttle’s dream of being Batmobile.

What’s this spectacle?

Every year, MPD School Resource Officer Edwin Buckner has a raffle to determine who gets to ride in the party bus—paid for by Officer Buckner in collaboration with his Freemason branch.

Other drivers are not as enamored with this tradition, it seems.

Or perhaps they are honking in celebration and solidarity! Yes, that’s it.

9:05

The lucky seniors step out of the bus to a wave of flashes and squeals and heavy bass from inside.

A security guard is overheard: “I love those silver heels she’s wearing but I would die in them.”

Right on schedule, a young lady gets her heel caught on the shuttle stairs, and her date helps her dislodge her shoe.

Chivalry is not dead.

And if you listen closely, you can hear the Cinderella theme buried somewhere under the subwoofer.

A little boy can’t stop staring at the whole situation, even as his family drags him to leave.

The teens cheer as they clink plastic champagne glasses (filled with Martinelli’s, don’t you worry!) and the motorcycles leave as ceremoniously from whence they came.

9:15

The dresses are gorgeous, the suits are lovely, yes. But let’s be honest, it’s all about the shoes.

The shoe of the night: silver sequined platform stilettos, with a heel tall enough to catch the eye of an NBA scout and with a sparkle that will come in handy if the disco ball stops working.

 

9:19

Another car pulls up. The lady inside has held the invitation to her face to prevent any premature glimpses.

Someone rolls out a red carpet in front of the car.

She removes the invitation from her face and steps out.

The crowd goes wild.

9:30

Wardrobe malfunction!

A few ladies refuse to get on the escalators with their shoes, as a potential heel stuck in a stair could mean certain death.

They decide to take the elevator instead.

9:38

Aforementioned shoes lie in a pile in the hallway.

Most women on the dance floor have gone barefoot.

Somewhere, a stiletto cries.

9:55

Dancing has honestly commenced on the dance floor.

The DJ sounds like he’s remixed some several Red Bull and espresso for himself before coming. Like his microphone, he is amped.

“ARE YOU READY BALLOU CLASS OF 2014?!!!!!”

10:06

Surprise guest DJ Angie Ang pops onstage!

She spins “Dark Horse,” and accordingly, the students horse around in the dark.

Are you ready for, ready for

A perfect storm, a perfect stormmmmm….

Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine

There’s no going back…

10:16

Katy Perry was wrong. There was indeed going back. Because--

No. One. Is. Dancing.

Some song killed the mood and everyone cleared the floor.

Instead, students are enjoying Ginger-Sherry Marinated Beef Satay Skewers with Miso Vinaigrette, Maryland Crab Cakes with Old Bay Aioli or create-your-own-sundaes on the side of the room.

It’s left the caffeinated DJ with only one choice:

Put on Beyonce.

10:17

Bingo. As if on cue, all the women flood the floor immediately.

They start doing some sincere, um, posterior workouts and gluteal exercises.

Another Beyonce song after this one.

10:22

The DJ keeps playing Beyonce like his life depends on it.

This time—All the Single Ladies.

There are no men dancing.

10:34

The DJ must feel like he’s in a good place again after his Beyonce blitz.

He appeals to student pride and it sort of works. Men return to the floor.
“Represent your city!”

“2014 is the last of the old school!”  (I think the ‘90s disagree.)

“Number one class!”

10:37

That’s why! First slow dance!

Wait for it…

The awkward half-second when dates decide that eternal question: “So you know, you like…wanna?” OR the silence that can only mean one thing: “We should get off the dance floor and get some Ginger-Sherry Marinated Beef Skewers.”

However! The DJ is a smart one.

The slow song still has a beat, so students can still sway together platonically without committing to four minutes of Are We Just Dates or Are We Something More.

10:38

In an act of defiance or Red Bull-induced courage, the DJ plays a second slow song.

Leading to another conundrum.

Switch up partners because you really want to dance with so-and-so instead of who you came with?

Stay with your date?

Or get a sundae?

10:42

The DJ is out of control!

He plays a THIRD slow song. The crowd might revolt…until…

“We need a little Marvin Gaye!”

He plays “Let’s Get It On”, which seems to be unequivocally popular as students sing along. Of course, like he said, 2014 is the last of the old school.

10:47

To build momentum, the DJ shows his royal flush—the GROUP DANCE.

He throws on “Cha Cha Slide” and the crowd EXPLODES.

“Cha cha real smooth!”

This is the most innocuous dance known to mankind.

Students line up, even on the carpet, and get to the important business of bringing down the house with this modern-day Hokey Pokey.

10:50

DJ’s a smart guy—he’s not letting this stop. Next, it’s the Wobble.

10:57

A young man is holding his date’s train on her dress as she walks around to nowhere in particular sipping fruit punch and unknowingly (or knowingly?) the guy scores Awesome Points with any young lady watching.

11:01

DJ plays “Jump on it!”

Surprisingly, everyone knows the Carlton move from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air!

Maybe Class of 2014 is the last of the old school!

11:22

The young woman wearing a blue-and-gold brocade dress with a white train that would make a bride jealous finally leaves her date, who has sat in the exact same spot the entire night. Maybe he’s babysitting the deserted shoes…

She boogies to the dance floor by herself and seems liberated.

Even if her train prevents her from really getting down.

11:27

The DJ must be feeling insecure because he’s playing Beyonce again.

This time—“Drunk in Love”.

As if ordered by some unseen world leader (which let’s admit, that’s what Beyonce is), people run, not walk, back onto the dance floor.

11:30

The lights go on. It’s time to announce Prom Court!

Dawn Person, Ballou teacher and sponsor of the senior class, asks for a drum roll…

D’Angelo Fleming is announced Prom King.

Jessica Heath is announced as Prom Queen.

They receive mini Oscar statues but give no speeches so the “ceremony” is quite short (are you listening, Academy?)

The best dressed and cutest couple are also named.

Everyone claps politely.

At first one might be surprised by the relative ambivalence, but then again maybe being real cool about being cool is cool.  

Because it’s high school, remember?